Part Two: The Struggle For Relief

When I arrived at the hospital emergency room, I was wheeled in on a stretcher and hooked up to a heart monitor again. I didn't see the attending physician until it was time for him to ask me what was going on and to tell me my heart was fine. It was the same young man I'd seen before, and it was me basically telling him I had an anxiety attack, which was a new occurrence for me. He was simply going to let me go without any advice (other than to see my doctor.) Before he could walk out the door, I asked him if he could prescribe me something for the anxiety in the meantime. It turned out to be a 5 day supply of Hydroxyzine. Through the hospital's medical service, I was able to get a ride back to my car. I thought everything was going to be fine.

Everything wasn't fine. I kept having anxiety attacks throughout the day for the next few days. I was taking the Hydroxyzine every 6 hours, but it was only keeping the attacks at bay for around 4 hours. My upper stomach was a knot of pain by this time, and it didn't go away. By the third day, I had decided to go back to the ER early in the morning, so I could see a different attending physician. Luckily, he was an older, more experienced doctor. He prescribed me Paxil for the anxiety and Xanax for the attacks, until I could see my own doctor. I didn't have a Primary care doctor at the time, but I was able to schedule an appointment with one as a new patient later in the week. 

All of this happened from a Thursday night through Sunday. By the time Monday came, I knew I couldn't go to work, because I was still having anxiety attacks. (The Xanax only lessened the severity of the attacks.) I was able to arrange with my employer for Medical Leave on the condition my doctor would agree and fill out the paperwork at the time of my appointment. It was up to me to convince him that I needed that time away from work. 

Two days before my doctor's appointment, I was back at the ER, this time about my stomach. They ran tests and scans, and gave me a

Lidocaine cocktail to drink immediately. It was supposed to help with the pain. I didn't think it made much of an impact, to be honest. They also gave me a prescription for Sucralfate, large white pills for the pain. They helped, somewhat, but were hard for me to swallow.

My new Primary care doctor was also young, but he was ex-Army and quite intelligent. I relayed everything that had happened and that I was still having the anxiety attacks. He immediately ditched the Xanax and prescribed me Lorazepam for the attacks. For my stomach, he prescribed Protonix, since I frequently had acid reflux. He also readily agreed to fill out the forms and sanction Medical Leave for two weeks. Again, I felt so grateful to have someone listen, understand, and want to help me get the relief I desperately needed. Until that point, my experience had been a weeklong trauma. 

I spent my second week off work sleeping a lot. I could tell the Paxil was doing a good job making my worries disappear. However, towards the end of my second week taking it, the side effects started kicking in, which is the opposite order in which those are supposed to happen. My heart rate increased rapidly, my anxiety increased, I lost my appetite and a few pounds. I had slight nausea, though I didn't vomit. My blood pressure was higher and I felt weak. At my follow-up appointment, I told him what was happening. He explained there were two classes of anti-anxiety medications and we could try something from the other class. So, I had to stop taking the Paxil, wait a couple of days, and then start taking Effexor. In the back of my mind, an old thought re-emerged "If anything crazy or out of the ordinary will happen, it will happen to me." For once in my life, I didn't want to always be the exception to the rule.

Effexor wasn't a better alternative. I had the same side effects, with the addition of profound dizziness. From online research, I learned that a person needs to wean themselves off of Effexor. I started doing that the weekend before the next appointment I had made with my new doctor. I couldn't handle the misery I was in. My doctor was surprised to see me back again, and disappointed to learn Effexor was just as bad for me. He explained that there are a unique percentage of people who are adversely affected by the anti-anxiety medications, and it appears that I'm one of them. He advised me to stop taking Effexor and how-I didn't tell him that I already had. He then said he'd keep me on Ativan/Lorazepam at 1mg three times a day. I was fine with that. I just needed relief from everything my body had been going through for a month. 

The Pantoprazole/Protonix did help my stomach to a degree. But I was still having pain. My doctor referred me to a gastroenterologist, and after some miscommunications, I eventually was able to undergo an endoscopy. I had a "healing ulcer." The remedy for that was to double the dosage of Protonix and change my diet. It's been a year since the endoscopy, and the pain is mostly gone, unless I do eat something that aggravates it or I become stressed about something. Yes, I do still have anxiety and stress. Lorazepam at the dosage I take only takes the edge off, but it does prevent anxiety attacks.

Which brings me to present day. Long term use of Ativan/Lorazepam isn't ideal. It's addictive, and causes problems in the long run. Even though I only take half of one in the morning and afternoon, I can tell that my mental acuity is affected. My brain has always been my best attribute, in my own opinion, and I know I'm not quite as sharp while I'm taking this medication. Before all of this happened, even with chronic anxiety, I was always able to draw up a feeling of hope and well-being. I could feel a rush of excitement at possibilities. I had moments of feeling pure love and giddiness, all on my own. I didn't need the presence of other people to tap into that. I can't do that now. There's a block there, and I know it's from the medication. So, when my doctor talked to me two weeks ago about his wish to have me happy again and off Lorazepam, I was ready to listen. 

To be continued...