Part Three: Hopeful Steps in Progress

I've been a smoker since my early twenties. For many, smoking and anxiety go hand-in-hand. I envy those who can quit "cold turkey." I've tried to quit a couple of times, but that was before I realized I had anxiety. I want to quit. When my doctor and I talk about it, I bring up my anxiety and how strong it is. This is another reason we discussed an alternative medication. I remember that first week of taking Paxil, and how easy it was to dismiss my worries. I want to be able to do that again, and so does he. After studying the information on his computer, he settled on Lexapro. 

I was hopeful, but wary. What he decided to do was prescribe the smallest dosage available. Then he advised me to cut it in half for the first two weeks. He said it would probably feel like a "sugar high." After that, I was to start taking the whole dose. His intention was to get me over that "two week hump" in which the adjustments and side effects occur. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared about it. 

Lexapro is in the same class as Effexor. I looked at the search questions and answers about it. The number one concern of mine was the dizzy side effect. The answer that came up was to take it at night, before bedtime. It allows sleep to take care of the dizziness so you can be productive during the day. So I started taking Lexapro, cut in half. Except, at that dosage, the pills aren't formed to cut in half. There's a slight hump in the middle, and no line to easily break one in half. I used a pair of scissors to cut them to the best of my ability. At best, I perhaps had three pills that divided, somewhat, evenly. When they didn't divide evenly, I'd try snipping a corner off to try to make up the difference. 

So, I took my pieces of Lexapro at night, about an hour before I went to bed. Honestly...I didn't even feel a "sugar rush." I couldn't tell that I had taken anything at all. I still took the Lorazepam, because I wasn't taking any chances, and my doctor didn't say otherwise. Last night was my first whole dose and I can tell some difference today. I've been slightly more agitated. Frankly, I believe these next two weeks at full dose are the "hump" I'll need to get over. I'm still wary and slightly scared that I'll suffer again as before. Then where will I be?

To prepare for this *hopeful* transition to feeling better, I ordered a device-well, crutch-to help me stop smoking. It's like a stem, with pods of flavored essential oils that you breathe in. I thought I would try that with nicotine patches. I don't know if I'll be successful. I don't know if I can conquer the anxiety associated with trying to quit smoking. I'm sure there are a lot of confident former smokers who would tell me it's mind over matter or practice meditation and breathing exercises. Currently, my mind is impaired by medication, and meditation has never worked for me. I've tried it for over thirty years! I'm that oddity; that exception to the rule who always finds herself on an uncharted path. I have to be honest with myself that this will be a one day at a time struggle with myself.

I had several reasons for starting this blog. In the past, blogging has been therapeutic and fun. This time is different. It's therapeutic, but hopefully a means to something more. I don't want to just improve my quality of life and achieve well-being, I want to change my life from top to bottom...for the better. Journaling about my endeavors and any progress is part of that. I don't know how the next two weeks will unfurl for me, but this is my journey, and I hope you'll be part of it.